“A Strange Game. The only winning move is not to play.” (Computer in the 1983 Move ‘War Games’ Talking About Nuclear War).

Not every divorce is high-conflict. In fact, many divorces can be handled in a relatively civil and amicable manner. Some cases start out high-conflict and become more amicable as they proceed. Unfortunately, other cases have the potential to be amicable, or start off as amicable, and then later become more emotional and more high-conflict in nature.

There is one thing you should be aware of: high conflict often means high cost. It takes a lot of time and money to “fight” a divorce. Sometimes aggressive tacts may lead to better results, but in my experience they more often lead to wars of attrition, stalemates, and increased expenses on the parts of the litigants.

And the cost isn’t just the actual dollars and cents to hire lawyers, experts, and the like—it’s the emotional cost of having a very personal and very contentious matter hanging over your head and in a public forum.

Many parties confronting a divorce engage in a zero-sum game. As the above quote from the movie War Games notes, in some games there are no “winners,” and the only way to “win” is to not play at all.

But what is an amicable divorce? I find a lot of prospective clients seem to think there is either an “Amicable divorce” or a “contested divorce.” Or only an “uncontested divorce” or a “contested divorce.” There are often no such absolutes. Indeed, there is a continuum for each case that, like a Richter Magnitude Scale for earthquakes may rise and file based upon the day.

A completely amicable divorce (let’s arbitrarily assign it a score of 1 on a 1-10 scale of aggression) would be one where the parties have no disagreements on any issue. They agree on everything from the amount of child support to the exact breakdown of all holiday parenting time and so on with no disagreements at all. In fact, in this hypothetical this couple communicates so well and is so in agreement that one may reasonably wonder why they are getting divorced in the first place.

On the other end of the spectrum, scoring a 10 out of 10 may be very high conflict cases including but not necessarily including domestic violence issues, severe mental health issues, and a complete and utter contempt for one another (and in time, eventually the opposing side’s lawyers and perhaps their own lawyer as well).

But in practice the extreme examples hypothesized above are rare. Most “uncontested cases” may score a 1-4 and contested cases a 6-8. Accordingly, an amicable divorce does not mean that there has to be complete agreement.

It simply means that the parties are willing to engage in communication (either personally and/or through their attorneys), to attempt to be reasonable, to pursue settlement based upon fair terms, and to be reasonable about sharing financial documents or the like to speed up the process. These types of cases can address all issues, reach a compromise, and lead to the savings of thousands or tens of thousands of dollars and many, many hours and even years of high-conflict divorce litigation.

Of course, in a divorce both sides need to be reasonable or it is difficult to work out a deal. This is about pragmatism, not about being taken advantage of. Some cases simply require more aggressive techniques. But for the vast majority of middle class or upper middle class litigants, they may be very well served by pursuing an amicable divorce.

Our firm has experience in pursuing efficient and practical amicable divorce remedies for our clients in Hunterdon County, Somerset County, and throughout Central New Jersey. Call 908-237-3096 to schedule an initial consult today or click here to self-schedule your own divorce consult right now.

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